Much has been written about the “male loneliness epidemic” – a rise in social isolation and emotional disconnection among men. In the United States, the share of men without close friendships increased from 3 to 15 percent between 1990 and 2021. Men also tend to have less intimate and supportive friendships with other men than women have with other women.

Research by INSEAD PhD student Sherrie Xue and Assistant Professor of Marketing and The Cornelius Grupp Fellow in Digital Analytics for Consumer Behaviour Stephanie Lin, along with Chris du Plessis from Singapore Management University, suggests that men tend to pass up certain opportunities to connect platonically with other men due to pressure to conform to heterosexual norms. Even if they actually want to watch a movie or go out to dinner with a friend of the same gender, some men will avoid doing so if the activity could be perceived to have romantic undertones.

Why it matters

Be it in a professional or personal context, shared experiences form the bedrock of social connections. When men avoid partaking in certain activities with other men, it might affect the quality and closeness of these relationships and contribute to their loneliness. This could, in turn, negatively impact those around them. 

Such behaviour may also reinforce heterosexual norms, potentially upholding a gendered power structure dominated by stereotypically masculine men that marginalises women, gender-nonconforming men and the broader queer community.

The study

The researchers conducted five studies and one supplementary study involving over 3,200 participants in the US, the United Kingdom and Singapore. Studies compared same-gender experience-sharing between pairs of men and women. Scenarios included consuming a drink from the same container, watching romantic and non-romantic film clips together, and ordering two different dishes to share.

The takeaway

The researchers found that men generally avoided shared activities with same-gender friends more than women did, especially when it came to experiences with romantic connotations, such as sharing food or watching a romantic movie like The Notebook. 

Certain male participants even made suboptimal decisions (i.e. forgoing a cash reward or their preferred choice) to avoid these activities. This was linked to their discomfort with implied romance rather than concerns of appearing feminine. In one study, men indicated that social constraints – not their personal preferences – were the primary reason why they chose not to engage in a shared experience with a friend of the same gender. 

Societal attitudes towards gay people may have evolved, but the cultural pressure to behave in an unambiguously heterosexual manner can still shape some men’s behaviour within their friendships. A shift in these standards could help improve both individual and societal well-being.